And so i play my guitar, I always play my guitar. Karamiau saigetsu wo tadoru tabiji de. Mabuta ni kanjiru yuuitsu no honoo. Natsu no nagori wo utsusu mina no ne. Hanatsu senritsu yo tooku tooku kanawanakutomo ~Loreley~


[Oneshot] HyoHyuk - Tik Tok

Title: Tik Tok (based on 2PM's song, same title)
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Hyoyeon
Rating: NC17
Length: 1/1
Genre: Song Fic
Summary: Their relationship comes when a boy meets a girl, but how they walk on it isn't what the ordinary people called a relationship.

Nobody knows
How I want you like this everyday
Everytime I embrace you behind the stage
My heart burst

Their relationship isn’t inspired by how they are being the best dancers in the two groups or because the company says that SNSD was the girl version of Super Junior. Even less they also don’t reflect on what Donghae and Jessica did in the past before the two of them finally debuted. But their relationship starts just as the usual, love comes when a boy meets a girl. However, how they walk on it isn’t what the ordinary people called a relationship.

We greet each other awkwardly in front of people
But when we turn away, I’m the one who knows you best

Hyoyeon sits on the couch behind their make-up desk and is watching the TV above which is broadcasting Rain’s song ‘Love Song’ by Super Junior, 2AM, and 2PM. She’s really absorbed by the performance, she doesn’t notice everyone is busy for their upcoming performance right next after this one. She smiles genuinely when Eunhyuk’s part comes and agapes when he sings very good to it. But before it ends, she’s being dragged by Tiffany to prepare their performance, she sighs.

I can hear more loudly in my ear
What you say with that gaze, that’s right
Your desire for me, your thirst
We go crazy for each other like this

“Oppa, you’re so handsome!!”

She hears the other SNSD members yell when Shindong, Eunhyuk, Jokwon, Chansung and Nichkun come to the backstage. She spots him, so funny with his fake eyelashes but extremely hot with his black wife-beater covering his sculpted torso, highfive-ing with Sunny – who stands beside her – and then turns to her. He does that also to her before bowing comfortably but obliviously awkward. When they walk to a different way, they glance over and found each other’s eyes. In 3 seconds it meets but it actually says thousand things. They smile and just the two of them knows what the smiles mean.

That I love you secretly
That you’re really my girl
Drive me so crazy everyday
I just want you, you this way

It’s been midnight when Eunhyuk rings the bell to the red painted house and 1 minute later an old man opens it for him. The old man smiles even if it is visible that he’s just awakened from sleep. Eunhyuk gives him an apologetic smile but the old man brushes it off. The old man walks back to the kitchen after locks the door and leaves Eunhyuk under the stairs. He climbs it soon when he realizes that he’s in the dark living room alone.

Eunhyuk opens one door to his left that he’s known by the heart even if it’s dark all over the house. He finds that the light come only from the bedside table but it also switch on to off and on again and like that continously by a hand that creep from under the blanket. Eunhyuk chuckles to that before sits on the edge of the bed to take off his shoes and jacket.

“It will be perishable, you know, eventhough it’s expensive…” he says and hears a sigh from under the blanket as a response.
The girl pulls off the blanket from her upper body and stares at Eunhyuk’s back. He still wears that wife-beater he wore when performing Love Song. She looks at his elegance neck to his shoulder blades down to his toned arms. How lucky she is to have this handsome man that – she knows – loved by millions people, but that is not the important thing. What people see is just the outside of him, she… knows him from the deep inside of him. How he always treats her like a woman should be, he always been a best boyfriend she ever had. Nobody knows though.

Come here, tik tok tik tok tik tok
When I see you, tik tok tik tok tik tok
All day tik tok tik tok tik tok
My heart tik tok tik tok tik tok

He turns to Hyoyeon suddenly and catchs her staring at him so intensely, “what are you staring at ?”

Hyoyeon blushes to that so she pulls the blanket over his head again. She can hear Eunhyuk giggles and feels the bed dip beside her and the next thing she knew Eunhyuk’s eyes bores a hole to hers in such a close proximity. She can’t think properly if they are so close like this. There’s no sound inside or from outside the room, only the ticking of clock and their heartbeat the only thing they can hear. Eunhyuk leans forward, he intends to kiss those lips that he’s been longing for the whole day, but Hyoyeon cups his face and pushes him back. Eunhyuk feels confused while Hyoyeon just chuckles.

“Oppa you’re so funny!” she says as she taps his cheek.
He pouts, “what so funny?” Eunhyuk scolds.

“Just now, in Mubank… with your fake eyelashes. I can’t stop laughing just thinking about it!” Hyoyeon continues laughing her heart out

“You think that funny? It supposed to be cool and sexy, even for Donghee hyung, y’know!”

Hyoyeon suddenly shows some interest, “oh, right! Donghee oppa was really cool, his voice was similar to Rain, very handsome!”
“Yeah!” Eunhyuk agrees to what Hyoyeon’s says, but he thinks again about it, “hey… you think Donghee hyung handsome but not me, you’re really….”

Eunhyuk gives a scowl to Hyoyeon for the last time before heading towards her bathroom. Hyoyeon just giggles towards her boyfriend’s behavior.

Nobody knows
That you and I love like this everyday
There’s no room in my heart for anyone to come in beside you

Hyoyeon leans on her door frame and watches Eunhyuk washes his face, “oppa!” she calls, but Eunhyuk just continues to wash his face and then his arms.

She approaches him then lean on his shoulder, “hey! Don’t be angry with me!” when she doesn’t get the answer, she circles her arms over Eunhyuk’s body.

Eunhyuk sighs and pulls her into his arms, “sure…”

Hyoyeon smiles in relief when finally she can feel those arms again embracing her body, so warm she doesn’t want – ever – to trade it with something else. But suddenly she pouts, makes Eunhyuk frowning, “because it’s me who supossed to be angry with you!” she pushes him away from her warmth – eventhough it’s hard, but she’s always enjoying to tease Eunhyuk –.


“You haven’t congratulated me yet. We won K-Chart just now, where were you, oppa?”

“Eh? You were?” Eunhyuk looks as if in a deep thought. Actually, he has known it, but he just waits for the right time to congratulate her.

“Oppa!!” she yells, but Eunhyuk just laughs at her pout.
Eunhyuk pulls her again to his arms, tugs some strands of hair behind her left ear, “okay, so.. how am I supposed to congratulate you now?”

Hyoyeon just smiles the sweetest smile she has to Eunhyuk and then tangles her arms behind his neck. Eunhyuk stares at those lips that perform the smile he knows just for him, “just…” Hyoyeon starts and leans up closer to Eunhyuk’s face. She stops just inch away from touching his lips with her, waiting, and Eunhyuk doesn’t waste any time, he claims those lips for the first time since two weeks ago.

Tik, I knew from the beginning
Tik, there was something about you
Tik, in that gaze you stared at me with
Tok, for your exhilarating love
Tok, I’m always thirsty
Tok, I keep searching for you secretly

They start the make-out session as soon as Eunhyuk lift Hyoyeon to sit on the sink. The tortured two weeks without touching each other adds more passion to what they do right now. Of course they always keep their quality of love and don’t pay much attention to a thing called quantity, but that aching feeling they have for each other if they can’t even see the most precious person in their live for more than a week, who can bear it?

Everyday they keep searching for each other. Hyoyeon being far from the town because of SNSD’s vacation and Eunhyuk with his new album busy schedule. Hyoyeon always waiting for Eunhyuk phone calls or just message but it only happens once or twice a week, he’s really busy, she knows it. She’s not different either, when SNSD has to promote their album, the condition is always the same to their relationship. It has been more than a year since they realize that their feeling for each other not just as a friend or family, but there was something between them, it was love and it lasts, obviously for them. A year is a long journey for a couple to be in a relationship and for ordinary couple maybe they have done anything to enjoy that they’re in a relationship, but not them. They never go on a date to a place that every couple should visit, they rarely drive together, because in a fact people like them don’t deserve something called relationship, not when they are walking in the same dream.

Today is their time. Eunhyuk can’t hold it inside anymore, he needs his Hyo. She just came back 3 days ago and as she calls that she will be in her parents’ house on Thursday night and he has no schedule on Friday then that is it. Chance like this rarely comes to them. So, Eunhyuk doesn’t want to waste that chance, he lift Hyoyeon from the sink and carry her to her bed.

You’re my only star
No one knows about anything, don’t worry
Look at my eyes, I’ll protect you
I’m by your sides just like this

It’s our secret, it’s our secret, it’s our secret
It’s taking control of me

They lay on Hyoyeon’s queen size bed with Eunhyuk atop her. His black wife beater and her orange tight betty boops’ shirt has thrown somewhere on the floor. Eunhyuk kisses her lips gently before licks her lower lip and Hyoyeon doesn’t think twice to open her mouth so Eunhyuk can slide his tounge inside. That action causes her to moan into his mouth and suddenly Eunhyuk has the urge to soon divest himself from his own jeans but he can endure with it just for now and let himself to taste the sweetness inside Hyoyeon’s mouth that he’s been longing so much.

They pull away because of lack of air lunges at them. Taking a short breath, Eunhyuk soon nuzzles his face on Hyoyeon’s neck and then starts nipping, licking, and biting the sensitive area of her that he’s remembered all the time. He feels Hyoyeon’s hand rub gently on his back and side, it sends a jolt to his spine. He pulls away from her neck to stare at her eyes. He takes his time to enjoy the sight of his lovely girlfriend before draws her up and reachs behind her back to unclasp her bra. Eunhyuk kisses a trail on her shoulders as he eases each strap of her bra until they are both topless.

He lays Hyoyeon on the bed again and starts to divest her from her short pants and panty at the same time. Hyoyeon takes a deep breath when Eunhyuk opens her legs by her thighs wide enough so he can fit in between and she moans at the first touch of Eunhyuk’s tounge gives to her clit. Wants to hear more of that delicious moan from his girlfriend, Eunhyuk starts to lick faster on her clit down to her opening, and Hyoyeon does it, she even groans loud in pleasure when Eunhyuk slides his tounge inside her now wet pussy.

“Ohh.. H-Hyuk.. aah!”

He keeps licking and sucking her pussy until she feels that feeling on her stomach and she comes without warning, but Eunhyuk doesn’t complain, he even starts licking again on her now over sensitive area, lapping her juices in the same time with his sucking, “oppa… nnhh..! oh,m-my…”

Hyoyeon reaches for his hand and gives it a tug. Eunhyuk understands what she means and pulls himself up, his lips find hers again. He feels her hand unbuckling his belt, unbuttoning and unzips his jeans. It comes off on the next second simultaneously with his boxer. Eunhyuk has to stop the kiss when Hyoyeon starts to stroke his naked erection and moan right into her ears. Hearing that Hyoyeon smiles to herself completely notice that he is enjoying her job and begins to pump his member with rhytm.

They change position with Hyoyeon hovering above her boyfriend, “you like it oppa..?” she wishpers to him in an erotic voice that only Eunhyuk knows it. “Very. It always f-feels so g-good, Hyo…”
She trails sweet kisses on his chest down to his abdomen as she gives his length that hand job, she stops at his belly to gives it a lick and continues until her tounge reaches his length. She doesn’t notice that Eunhyuk sees every move she makes. It really a perfect sensual sight when Eunhyuk sees his girlfriend mouth takes his whole body and especially when she takes his member into her warm mouth, he really can’t ever take his eyes from this special moment.

“Oh, God..” he moans loudly when he feels her tounge glides on his cock as she bobs her head. Eunhyuk hand reaches to her and grabs her buttock then gives it a squeeze. He earns a mewl in the deep of her throat that makes his hips bucks up because of the vibrations it made. But if she keeps doing that, he will have come right then and there and he doesn’t want that to happen.

Eunhyuk pulls her head by the hair from his throbbing cock and both of them whimper at the lost of contact. He sits up before leans on the headboard, bringing her along until she straddles his lap. The boy leans his head up to meet hers in a forceful kiss as he tangles his hand on her long locks. Hyoyeon always feels the electricity jolts to her body everytime he carreses the backside of her head, so she responses to it by grinds their arousal together. Eunhyuk arches his head when he feels those delicious hips do a simple but sinful grind on his crotch.

“Ready, baby?” Hyoyeon asks in a seductive tone before keeps a distance between them. She immediately lifts herself after Eunhyuk’s smirk encouragingly and then impaling herself on Eunhyuk’s hard member, “aahhh.. yes!” she groans when the thick organ fills her up.

Eunhyuk starts to move his hips in a circle slow movement to make Hyoyeon starts moving, fucking herself on his aching cock, but much to his pleasure, Hyoyeon shows him a one man show instead. She’s starting up with flicking her hair behind so he can see her front clearly and then she licks her thumb in a most sensual way before travels it down the crevice of her body. Eunhyuk watches every move she makes especially when she starts to caress her own body with both hands, from the slender neck down to her breasts where she cups her hands on. Hyoyeon hives it a squeeze here and there, mewling when she pinches both of the nipples at the same time, “Hyuk…” her sensual voice that calling him tears him away from his daze.

So he pulls Hyoyeon up to him and says in a demanding tone, “move, now!” Hyoyeon complies and she starts bouncing up and down above him with his hands steadying the movements of her hips. She bounces faster when she feels the tip of Eunhyuk’s cock brushes her spot and suddenly she has the urge to reach her orgasm quickly.

“Ooh.. p-please Hyuk!” she begs when she notices that her own movements don’t enough to bring her into her orgasm quicker. He lays her on the bed again and brings one of her leg up on his shoulder before pounding into her tight pussy.

“There, baby… uuhn.. huh… harder, please!” and Eunhyuk does it, he thrusts into her in an alarming pace, damn with rhythm, what they need is a good release right now.

Is it because of the rare of sex or Hyoyeon is indeed good or he really loves her that makes every love making they have always wonderful? Eunhyuk doesn’t notice that at all. He just wanted this kind of time be last forever and nothing can change it from them.
Suddenly Hyoyeon’s screams out loud of her lungs. It’s obvious that she has reached her amazing orgasm. “Hyo… I’m close!” he breathes into her mouth. Hyoyeon pushes him from her and take Eunhyuk’s member into her mouth and sucks hard as he fucks her mouth lightly. Eunhyuk comes with a loud grunt and spills his seed in Hyoyeon’s mouth and a little on her perfect luscious lips.

Escape everyone’s eyes, spill the burden of our relationship onto me
In my dreams, I hold onto your hand proudly like everyone else and walk
In my busy days, my work, dreams, and everything else are forgotten
By our love going tik tok like the hand on a clock that doesn’t know how to stop

He lays Hyoyeon and himself on the bed with exhaustion and both of them stare at the ceiling until they catch up their breathe again. Hyoyeon pulls up the blanket to cover themselves and then Eunhyuk kissed her full on the lips as he wipe the remaining cum on her face. They end up making out that will guide them into arousal again if drowsiness doesn’t call them up.

“Love you…” Eunhyuk says as he look into her eyes before it completely close.

Hyoyeon smiles wide, she sighs in relief because eventhough he doesn’t say them every day, he says them sincerely with heart once he says it. Eventhough they can only meet once a week even just once in a month, but once they meet they will give a very best quality into it and hope with that way, the love will last longer than what they wish will be forever.

“Love you too…” she replies with a caress to his cheek. And they smiles wider before falling into a deep slumber in each other arms.

That I love you secretly
That you’re really my girl
Drive me so crazy everyday
I just want you, you this way


[CFXX] The Next Cup Of Coffee

Proudly Present:

Character Introduction:
- Lee Hyukjae a.k.a Eunhyuk: 25 years old man, Korean, had been living in New York for 3 years, work as an assistant photographer.

- Lee Donghae: 25 years old young enterpreneur, inherit a chained company, have a wife for 2 years.

- Daniel Armand Lee a.k.a Tablo: 27 years old man, Korean but was born in America, living his life as a writer and had few part time jobs.

- Kim Hyoyeon a.k.a Hyo: 23 years old, Korean, a secretary in where Eunhyuk work for, had been living in New York for 8 years already.

- Lim Yoona: 23 years old, Donghae’s wife, daughter of the president of the biggest mall in Korea.

- Lee Sungmin: Eunhyuk’s friend from high school, went to New York to live with his lover that happened to have a job in New York.

- Jo Kyuhyun: Lee Sungmin’s lover, has a pasta shop and a few branch of it.

- Park Jungsu a.k.a Eeteuk: Donghae’s oldest cousin from his mom, working as a bartender, living a free life.

- Kim Youngwoon a.k.a Kangin: Eeteuk’s lover, working an average office job.

- Summary:
The first cup of coffee never be able to make the memories go away, so he drinks the next cup of coffee to keep him awake from those dream he never wanted to have.


[Cerpen] Walau Luka Itu Benar-Benar Datang


Aku suka wajahmu yang bingung…
“aku suka wajahmu yang bingung,” sudah pernah kubilang itu padamu. Dengan wajah manis dan senyum mengembang di bibirku.
“jahat..” itu juga yang selalu kau bilang, dengan bibir manyun yang dilanjutkan oleh senyum sumringah karena ternyata kau tahu bahwa aku hanya bermain-main saja denganmu.
Lalu kita berdua tertawa di koridor sekolah yang mulai sepi karena matahari hampir terbenam. Aku selalu bertanya, mengapa tawamu itu selalu tampak bahagia, apa yang ada dalam hatimu ketika kau tertawa ? mengapa kau selalu tampak lebih bahagia daripadaku ?
“Cita.. kamu kenapa..??” tanyamu.
Aku selalu terkejut bila ditanya seperti itu. Jangan kau mulai bertanya kepadaku, karena apa kau tahu, aku sedang memikirkanmu, “ya.. aku, gak apa-apa.. hmmm, bisakah kita pulang naik taksi saja, agar tak terlalu malam..”
Engkau mengangguk cepat dan selalu menampakkan senyuman termanismu padaku. Senyuman manis itu, bila kau gambar di wajahku, akan menjadi pahit, bukan ?


Mengapakah diriku selalu terluka
Mengapa pula luka itu selalu datang padaku
Mengapa kau tak pernah terluka
Akankah ada sedikit luka datang padamu..
Andai luka itu benar-benar datang padamu
Mungkin tetap aku yang akan lebih terluka..

Sejauh mana sebenarnya aku sudah mengenalmu, 2 tahun bukan waktu yang lama tapi juga bukan waktu yang sebentar. Dari awal aku mengenalmu, aku sudah melihat kegembiraan yang selalu kau bawa kepada setiap orang. Aku jadi ingin selalu menjadi orang yang kau bawakan kegembiraan itu. Semenjak itu hingga sekarang, kau masih saja tampak gembira dan aku jadi iri akan hal itu. Apalagi ketika dia hadir diantara kita.
“Cita..!!” dengan suaranya yang begitu khas, itu pertama kali dia memanggil namaku.
“ada apa..?”
“ehm.. kamu teman sekelasnya Nisa..??” mendengar namamu saat itu, entah mengapa hatiku selalu bangga, bangga bisa menjadi temanmu, yang dekat.
“iya..” jawabku dengan senyum terkembang.
“oh.. boleh minta nomor kamu..? oh ya, perkenalkan dulu, nama saya Putra..!” dia mengulurkan tangannya yang semu kecoklatan. Matanya bersinar dari balik kacamatanya ketika dia menyebutkan namanya, Putra.
Dia, Putra, lelaki yang menumbuhkan kebencian bahkan pada sahabatku sendiri. Jahat, ya..!!? siapa yang jahat sebenarnya, dia atau kamu, atau malah jadi aku yang jahat. Atau diantara kita terselip satu kejahatan yang awalnya kita tak tahu bentuknya seperti apa.
Dia, Putra, lelaki yang mencintaimu, lelaki yang kucintai, dalang dari semua kejahatan ini. Cinta itu, yang dia tumbuhkan padamu, dia layukan padaku.
Aku masih ingat ketika kau tiba-tiba datang padaku dengan wajah begitu berseri-seri, berlari tergesa, dan setelah sampai padaku, kau malah berputar-putar merasakan angin di sekitarmu. Beberapa menit aku memperhatikanmu, dengan raut muka yang mencerminkan ikut bahagia, tapi juga bingung, ada apa denganmu?
“Cita.. kamu tahu, aku sedang bahagia..!!”
“aku tahu, sejak kapan kau bersedih di depanku..?”
“tak pernah.. tahu kenapa aku bahagia..?”
“setiap hari kau bahagia..!”
“tapi ini beda, ini lebih bahagia dari hujan emas..”
“Cita.. cinta itu tidak berlebihan..”
“mulai hari ini aku pacarnya Putra..!”
Dengan tegas, tawa bahagia, hati riang, kau katakan semua itu di depanku. Aku sudah tahu hari itu akan datang, tapi aku masih saja menyimpan semua ini di dalam hatiku. Membuat diriku sendiri menderita demi kebahagianmu.

Entah kenapa aku tak peduli dengan perasaanku sendiri. Entah apa yang membuatku selalu ingin menjaga perhiasan berhargamu, kebahagiaanmu. Aku selalu berpikir, ada apa dengan diriku, sampai aku begitu mengharapkan sebuah kebahagiaan yang datang dari dirimu.
Kau bukanlah seorang yang kucintai, kau bukan lelaki yang harusnya kucintai. Kita ini sama perempuan, maka dari itu kita menjadi sahabat. Sahabat macam apakah diriku ini, yang membenci sahabatnya sendiri hanya karena sebuah perasaan hina yang kubuat sempurna. Munafik!
Lalu aku mencoba untuk menjauh darimu, agar kata-katamu tak lagi sampai kehati, tapi kau terus mencoba meraihku kembali.
“Cita.. bicaralah..!” katamu dengan wajah cemasmu yang begitu menusukku. Aku tak mau dirimu begitu cemas padaku yang sebenarnya tak perlu untuk kau khawatirkan.
“Nisa.. biarkan aku sendiri..”
“sebenarnya ada apa denganmu..?”
Saat itu kau pergi menuruti kata-kataku untuk sendiri.
Lalu aku melihatmu dari jauh, dengan wajah sedihmu. Ketika itu, aku dapati diriku tak bisa lagi merasakan jejakku. Aku merasa mati melihatmu bersedih. Wajah itu, wajah yang dipenuhi kegembiraan, tiba-tiba hilang, dan aku tahu sumbernya adalah aku. Lalu akankah ku tega untuk terus membuatmu bersedih seperti itu, aku tak bisa, dan akhirnya daripada aku terluka karena melihatmu terluka, lebih baik aku terluka karena melihatmu bahagia.
“Nisa.. tersenyumlah,” pintaku.
Lalu kau tersenyum. Hatiku yang tersayat, perlahan terobati.
“maafkan aku, Nisa..!”
“tak apa, kau tahu Cita, awalnya aku ingin menangis ketika kau bilang kau ingin sendiri dan tak mau kutemani, tapi aku selalu ingat kata-katamu, ‘menangis tak akan pernah membawa kebahagiaan, dan kebahagiaan adalah satu-satunya yang kuinginkan’, dan aku tak menangis, karena aku selalu ingin kau bahagia..” setelah kau berkata seperti itu, kau memelukku. Jadi aku yang ingin menangis. Andai kau tahu saat itu juga, Nisa, kau telah membawa seluruh kebahagiaanku bersamamu. Karena itu, aku harus selalu bersamamu, agar kau tak jauh-jauh membawanya pergi. Walau tak langsung, aku masih bisa merasakannya.


Suatu hari, kau datang padaku dengan wajah muram. Tiba-tiba menangis di pangkuanku, tangisan pertama yang kau tumpahkan padaku. Yang kau sebut saat itu, hanya Putra.. Putra.. dan Putra..
“Cita.. Putra jahat..!!”
Mendengar nama itu kau sebut dan kata sifat di belakangnya. Sebelah hatiku tertawa, sebelah lagi marah. Benarkah masih ada cinta itu untuknya. Kau tak tahu aku mencintai Putra, kau tak tahu bagaimana perasaanku ketika kau bilang ‘Putra jahat!’ saat itu aku ingin membunuh seseorang, tapi aku tak tahu, haruskah dirimu yang ku bunuh, atau dia.
Besoknya, ku beranikan diri untuk menemui Putra, tak disangka, dia juga ingin bertemu denganku.
“Putra..!!” aku lebih dulu memanggil namanya, dengan segenap keberanian yang ada untuk menahan seluruh rasa cintaku padanya.
“eh.. Cita, aku baru mau menemui kamu..!”
Aku terkaget mendengarnya, semua hal yang ingin kukatakan padanya menjadi buyar, hanya karena beberapa kata keluar dari mulutnya, ya Tuhan, ternyata cinta itu masih ada. Beribu kali kukatakan pada diriku sendiri, kalau cinta itu bukan cinta yang sebenarnya, aku tak mungkin mencintai cinta sahabatku sendiri.
“aku mau minta maaf sama Nisa, aku ingin kamu mempertemukan aku dengannya, tolonglah.. dia tak mau menjawab telfonku, tak mau membaca suratku..” lanjutnya.
Dan aku mengangguk!! Apa itu adalah hal terbodoh yang kulakukan, aku menemui Putra untuk mengatakan padanya bahwa dia sudah menyakitimu, lalu habis-habisan memarahinya. Dan ternyata aku tak bisa. Aku ingin sekali menertawakan diriku sendiri saat itu. Cinta itu membuatku gila. Membuatku selalu menyakiti diriku sendiri untuk kebahagiaanmu. Mungkin untuk kebahagiaannya juga.
Saat aku mengatakan bahwa Putra ingin bertemu denganmu, kau tampakkan wajah marahmu. Kau tak pernah marah, apalagi padaku.
“Cita, kenapa kamu mau mempertemukanku dengannya, sebenarnya kau ada di pihak siapa..??” aku terkejut kau bertanya seperti itu. Aku di pihak siapa..? aku pun tak begitu tahu, aku terlalu bingung untuk memikirkannya.
“tentu saja aku berada di pihakmu..” kataku, tak tahu lagi apa yang harus kukatakan sebenarnya.
“Cita, apa kau tak mengerti seberapa besar kesalahannya padaku..?”
“kau bilang dia sudah memarahimu di depan umum, itu mungkin bisa diperbaiki, kan, Nisa..!” mulai lagi aku membela Putra. Tuhan, cinta ini membunuhku.
“bukan hanya itu…!”
“lalu apa…?”
“aku tak bisa bilang..!”
“Cita..!!” kau tampak lelah hanya untuk memberitahukan sesuatu padaku, “.. Cita, pokoknya kamu jauhi Putra, Putra itu jahat..”
Lalu kau berlalu begitu saja dari hadapanku.


Putra tersenyum padaku, saat aku menghampirinya yang sedang berteduh dari hujan di depan sebuah kios. Dia tampak menggigil kedinginan karena hujan kali ini hampir menyerupai hujan es.
“terima kasih.. maaf, aku malah menghubungimu, karena kalau tak salah, rumahmu di dekat sini kan.?” kau bilang dengan suara khasmu.
“tak masalah, tapi darimana kau tahu rumahku..”
“hmm.. dari Nisa..”
Kami berjalan di bawah hujan menuju rumahku. Sesampainya disana, aku memberikannya handuk untuk mengeringkan rambutnya yang basah. Aku memberinya secangkir teh hangat, lalu kita berbicara di ruang makan.
“Putra.. apa kau masih ingin Nisa kembali padamu..?” tanyaku saat itu, dengan segala kelemahan yang ku punyai.
“aku sangat ingin Nisa kembali padaku, tapi mau bagaimana lagi, mendengarkanmu pun dia sudah tak mau kan..?!”
“aku sangat mencintai Nisa..” Putra mengatakan hal itu, dengan kesedihan menghiasi wajahnya.
Aku ingin membuat Putra bahagia, di sisi lain, aku ingin membuatmu bahagia. Membuat Putra bahagia adalah mengembalikanmu padanya. Membuatmu bahagia adalah dengan meninggalkan semua hal tentang Putra.
Ada sekejap pikiran melintas di kepalaku. Bukankah ini baik untukku, ketika kau membenci Putra, dan kini Putra lebih dekat padaku. Bukankah ada begitu banyak peluang untukku. Hanya dengan beberapa usaha untuk membuat kau hilang dari pikiran Putra, mungkin aku bisa menjadi pengganti dirimu di hati Putra.
Kau pernah bilang padaku untuk menjauh dari Putra. Itu berarti kau tidak suka bila aku mencintainya. Tapi aku tak bisa, aku masih mencintainya, aku masih mengharapkan sesuatu dari dirinya.
Akh.. kau, begitu banyak kebencian yang kini merasuki diriku. Aku jadi benci dirimu yang seperti tak ingin melihatku bahagia.


“Nisa… apa kau masih tak mau bertemu dengan Putra..?” tanyaku sedikit memaksa.
Kau mendesah, “Cita, sudah berapa kali aku bilang, aku tak ingin lagi bertemu dengannya, aku puas dengan keputusanku, aku sudah tak mencintainya lagi, aku…”
“…dia masih mencintaimu, Nisa..”
“aku tak bisa..!”
“aku tak bisa bilang…”
Aku lelah mengatakan ini semua padamu sebenarnya.
“kalau begitu, bolehkah aku bersamanya ? bolehkah aku mencintainya ?”
Akhirnya kalimat itu yang ku ucapkan. Aku sudah terlalu lelah menahan semua luka ini. Aku berhak pula mendapatkan kebahagiaanku.
“apa..?? Cita, sudah kubilang padamu untuk menjauh darinya kan..?” kau tampak begitu terkejut dan tak terima dengan apa yang telah ku ucapkan padamu.
“kau tahu, aku sudah bosan untuk selalu membuatmu bahagia, aku sudah bosan menanggung seluruh lukaku ini sendirian, aku terluka saat kau bersama Putra, karena aku mencintainya..” aku menangis saat itu, walau aku sudah mengatakan padamu mengapa aku terluka, luka itu bukannya terobati, malah makin menganga. Apalagi melihat kau menangis lebih histeris.
“Cita..!!! mengapa kau baru mengatakan ini sekarang, kalau aku tahu, aku tak akan pernah bersama dia,” ketika kau menangis, aku tak tahu apa yang menghunusku saat itu, pedang? Pisau? Belati? Mengapa aku jadi makin terluka setelah mengatakan semua lukaku yang kau sebabkan. Saat itu juga aku ingin mengatakan, ‘jangan menangis, Nisa.’ Kau hanya akan lebih membuatku terluka dengan tangisanmu.
“walaupun saat itu kau tahu apa yang kurasakan, apakah kau akan mengelak cintamu padanya..?”
“apapun akan kulakukan untukmu. Ya Tuhan, Cita..! kenapa kau harus mencintainya..?!”
“Putra itu, ingin memisahkanmu denganku, dia bilang, kau ini ingin memilikiku, kau mencintaiku, dia bilang kau ini menyukai sesama perempuan..”
Kau ingat, saat itu aku tertawa, aku tak percaya dengan apa yang kau katakan. Cinta ini membuatku buta.
“terserah kau mau tertawa atau menganggapku ini pembohong, saat Putra mengatakan hal itu, rasa cintaku padanya langsung hilang, aku tak bisa mendengar sahabat terbaikku dia hina seperti itu, di depan umum, dan aku tak memberitahumu karena aku takut kau terluka.. aku tak pernah ingin membuatku terluka, walau nyatanya aku membuatmu terluka sangat dalam, tapi itu karena aku tak tahu apa yang sebenarnya kau rasakan..”
Tuhan!! Apa yang harus kulakukan, saat itu kau tampak begitu putus asa untuk mengembalikan lagi perasaanku. Begitukah perasaanmu padaku ? kau juga tak ingin aku terluka ?
“Nisa, jangan menangis..!”
Hanya itu kata terakhir yang bisa ku ucapkan dalam percakapan kita saat itu. Aku hanya memelukmu. Perasaanku saat itu, darimana aku bisa mendapatkan lagi sahabat seperti dirimu. Cinta yang hina itu sudah membutakanku. Mulai saat itu, aku tak ingin kau terluka, dan juga tak akan pernah membiarkanmu membuatku terluka.

Nisa, maafkan aku karena pernah membencimu. Walau ketika aku membencimu, aku begitu terluka. Sampai saat ini aku tak pernah tahu apa yang membuatku begitu ingin kau bahagia, aku juga tak tahu apa yang membuatmu selalu ingin membuatku bahagia.
Sekarang kita tak bisa bertemu setiap hari, tapi itu lebih baik, agar orang-orang tak lagi berkata macam-macam tentang kita. Rencana kita saat ini, MENCARI CINTA. Walau kita terpisah jauh, tapi aku yakin kau bisa mendapatkan cinta itu. Yang pasti, kita tak akan lagi mencintai orang yang sama.
Nisa, kau adalah sahabat pertamaku yang selalu memberiku kebahagiaan. Terima kasih.

Desember, 2008

Angel’s Mate

Angel’s Mate

Trash away your beautiful day, dive into dark hole. Reality in front of you. Stoop down, you might help from me, you may need but... the sin you caused is not for me to cover. As you wake from dream, reality may destroy you, stoop down, you might, I may be in need but.. don’t try to count on me, right now, I can not even laugh.

“The pain you only bear to cover your sin, is always get what it wants. You have this destiny, to be alone..”

Bukan.. hanya saja, memang aku tak pernah mencari. Atau aku mencari di tempat yang salah ?

“tapi kadang aku bisa menemukanmu, walau saat itu kau sedang terseok-seok di tengah labirin panjang yang kupikir sengaja kau lewati untuk mencariku..”

Ya, aku pernah mencarimu disana, tapi waktu itu, aku sama sekali tak bisa menemukanmu.

“dimana kau taruh matamu..? bukankah selalu banyak cahaya di sekitarmu, kau bisa dengan jelas melihat apapun..!”

Tapi, labirin itu memang gelap sekali.

“begitukah..? sepertinya cahaya itu mulai menghilang darimu.. malaikatku..!!”

Jangan pernah bicara seperti itu..!! cahaya itu masih tetap ada dan akan selalu ada..!!

“hahaha.. bercanda kamu..!! lalu untuk apa kau mencariku sampai kesini, bukankah kau sudah tahu resikonya..!”

Apa..??!!! asalkan aku tak kehilangan sayapku___

“__tak akan, hanya saja warnanya akan berubah..!”


“kenapa..? kau keberatan..?!”


“salahmu.. mencari di tempat yang salah.. salahmu.. mencari yang tak bisa jadi milikmu..”

Aku tak ingin sendirian, itu saja..!! aku akan terus mencari, kemanapun kau pergi.

“...... dasar anak kecil..!! cahaya baru melahirkanmu kemarin, kini kau berlagak sok mencari cinta..!”

Aku bukan anak kecil!!! Aku sudah lahir bahkan sebelum dirimu ada, bahkan aku yang melahirkanmu.

“hah.. begitukah menurutmu, lalu kenapa kau tampak sulit sekali untuk merasakannya..!? .. .. .. .. .. aku tak mau, kau masih terlalu suci untuk merasakanku..!”

Kenapa!!!?? Harus seberapa jauh lagi aku berlari, harus seberapa keras lagi aku berteriak, aku hanya ingin merasakan cintamu..!!!!!!

“aku ini tak sesuci yang kau kira.. aku bahkan lebih hina dari ludahku sendiri, aku bahkan... tak ingin merasakan diriku sendiri..!”

Kenapa mereka bisa merasakannya..? kenapa aku tidak..?

“karena mereka memang ditakdirkan untuk memilikinya, mereka tak ditakdirkan untuk sendiri.. mereka tak terlahir dari cahaya suci itu, mereka lahir dari tanah, dari tempat yang terinjak-injak, mereka pantas merasakannya.. merasakan cinta yang hina dan selalu membuat luka.. itu takdirnya, takdirmu berbeda, relakanlah takdir itu, kau takkan pernah bisa merasakannya..! malaikat yang jatuh cinta pada cinta... takkah itu terdengar begitu hina..??”



jadikanlah diriku hina... mungkin kau menganggapku anak kemarin sore, dan tak tahu apa-apa tentang dirimu, namun, bisakah sedikit kau mengerti kalau diriku ini berbeda..

“aku sudah tahu dirimu berbeda, kalau tidak, kau tak akan pernah punya keinginan untuk mencariku..!”

lalu kenapa tak jua kau mengerti..?!

“itu karena.. kubilang rasa ini hanya untuk kau rasakan dan bukan untuk kau miliki lalu kauberikan pada seseorang, rasa ini terlalu hampa bagimu bila kau membaginya dengan orang lain..”

Hampa..?! hidupku sudah terlanjur hampa, dengan semua cahaya, sayap putih, tubuh bersih dan segala macam bentuk kesucian.. aku ingin keluar dari hidup seperti ini.. aku ingin merasakan cinta yang mereka bilang punya warna lain..

“ya,, kau benar, ada warna lain yang mungkin tak pernah kau lihat karena kau terus berada dalam cahaya.. warna kegelapan, yang seperti tadi kubilang, bisa merubah warna sayapmu, sayang..!”

...... sejak kapan kegelapan bisa sampai menghitamkan sayap putihku..?

“sejak.. malaikat-malaikat itu membenci kegelapan, mereka pikir, kegelapan tak bisa mendengar, tapi nyatanya kegelapan tahu dan mulai pula membenci malaikat-malaikat itu yang hidup dalam cahaya.. pelan-pelan, ketika beberapa malaikat tak sengaja lewat disisi kegelapan, kegelapan menariknya dengan berbagai godaan yang salah satunya seperti yang menggodamu ini..”

Jadi sebenarnya kau ini adalah bagian dari kegelapan..?

“mungkin iya, mungkin tidak.. tapi aku memang lebih banyak berada dalam kegelapan, penuh air mata, kemunafikan, dusta,,”

Tapi kudengar, dalam kegelapan itu lebih banyak iblis, dan iblis tak bisa merasakan cinta..

“iblis memang tak bisa merasakan cinta.. tapi dia selalu dikecap rasa cinta, entah apa yang membuat cinta lebih senang berada dalam dekapan iblis daripada dalam kehangatan malaikat.. hangatnya cahaya dan api itu berbeda.. dengar, bila kau nekad merasakan ini, dosa yang kau buat bukan untuk kututupi lagi, kenyataan akan menghancurkanmu, aku mungkin sangat dibutuhkan olehmu, tapi jangan pernah mencoba untuk memilikiku, aku bukan untuk kau miliki..”

Kalau begitu.. jadikan juga diriku ini iblis.. kalau memang hanya itu yang bisa membuatku merasakan dirimu, wahai cinta..

Finished : December 1, 2008